Transforming Your Pain Matters—Especially for Your Children’s Future
Fr. Richard Rohr writes, “If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it—usually to those closest to us: our family, our neighbors, our co-workers, and, invariably, the most vulnerable, our children.”
A Life Rebuilt, Only to Face New Battles
A dozen years ago, I was thin, healthy, and in the best shape of my life. I had survived a brutal divorce. I had bought my own house, and was comfortably settled there with my two young sons. My career had finally started to take-off. Best of all, I had a wonderful new boyfriend, and I was so in love.
Then, my whole world began to crumble. It started when my ex-husband began a hail-storm of lawsuits over everything from custody, to child support, to alimony. We had already been divorced for nearly two years when he started this new legal barrage. I did not respond well to this trauma at all! This was the beginning of my descent into hell.
Was I the victim? — Yes.
But fighting back was not the best choice.
Falling into the Trap of Retaliation and Bitterness
In fighting back, and not looking for opportunities for peace, I dragged my kids into the battle with me. From therapists, to DYFS, to me telling them all the “horrible things” that their dad did — it all caused me to victimize my children. Now that the court battle is over, my children tell me how much it harmed them. They blame the boyfriend, who is now my second husband, and his influence in the long legal battle. He definitely kept the fight going! But I let him do it. For that, my kids also blame me.
Eckhart Tolle said in an interview, “What happens to you is much less important than how you respond to what happens to you. That determines your life.” In my case, I responded to evil with evil, and what I reaped was hell.
Unfortunately, the more I fought back against my “oppressor” — my ex-husband — the further down the pit of anger, hostility, and blame I went. I was terrified of losing my children. I was even more terrified of losing money, and not being able to take care of them. Sadly, this fear of not having enough money to properly care for my children, actually ensured that I did not take good care of my children.
The Cost of Fighting Back: My Children’s Emotional Scars
I left my part-time job to take a full-time position. Then I added graduate school to my full-time job. Next, I got a new full-time job that included a one-hour commute to New York City– each way. I heaped more stress on myself, all in effort to have enough money to take care of my children. The result was that I damaged my children emotionally and psychologically by sharing my own stress with them.
In the end, my children reached adulthood having had the financial means and luxury that I could have never imagined when I was a kid. However, they emerged just as emotionally broken and psychological scared as I did. My “trauma” was being raised poor; whereas my children’s trauma was caused by divorce and parental legal battles. The same outcome came about from different causes. Instead of transforming my own childhood pain, I allowed the negative circumstances of my divorce to re-create that pain for my own children.
I had done exactly what Fr. Richard Rohr warned:“If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it — usually to those closest to us: our family, our neighbors, our co-workers, and, invariably, the most vulnerable, our children.”
A Journey Toward Healing: Lessons I Wish I’d Embraced Sooner
“Strive for peace with everyone, and for that holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one be deprived of the grace of God, that no bitter root spring up and cause trouble, through which many may become defiled” (Hebrews 12:14–15).
Now that all the legal issues are long over, I can see that if I had responded to each lawsuit by seeking peace, I would have been far better off. Instead of trying to “Win” each court battle, I could have petitioned the court for mediation and support for a peaceful resolution. Maybe I would have had less financial support and designated “parenting time” with my children. However, I would have been able to enjoy what I did have in the moment, rather than living in constant stress for ten years.
“Do not return evil for evil, or insult for insult; but, on the contrary, a blessing — because to this you were called, that you might inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).
Wisdom I wish I would have followed when facing an unjust assault.
What are you suffering with now? How can you transform your pain, so that you do not transmit it? Can you stir up faith in your spirit to believe that a blessing really can come out of a bad situation?
